Complication

I think you’re either born simple or you’re born… me. - Cristina Yang

after watching this episode of grey's anatomy, i decided to be simple, at least a day. so that day happened.

today i went to work as usual, the day was really good even there was heavy rain and heavy traffic all the way to work. the journey that should takes 1 hour turned to 1.5 hour. what a nice bubbly day.

i arrived at office. with a big smile starting my work. then i received a call from one of the supplier of my company. from his name i know he is a chinese man. so he said he wanted to meet me today, business relating thing. i don't really want to talk about it because i am simple, or simply siti or whatever. so he called me when he arrived, said that he waited at the gate. i went to the gate and search for the unfamiliar car. and one car caught my beautiful small eyes. omg that car caused 200,000. so i called him, and said to follow my car. we went to our destination.

after arrived at our destination, he went out from he's car, and there he is. perfection. he is a chinese man with fair skin, round eyes and sharp nose. when he shook my hand, i feel like the whole world stop spinning. then he asked me, whether i'm from spain or not because he saw my car plate number. so i said yes. and he said, he is too (wait a minute, how come a chinese can be spanish? okay, i don't care about this complicated fact). he is too perfect for me. expensive car. handsome face. hometown boy. and he seems nice. all a simple girl could ever dream.

so.. (business related thingsss). so he wanted to go back. i was so sad. he said he'll meet me again next week. i felt like jumping like a little child with pink long dress. i can't wait for my wedding day. then i drove back to my work place. suddenly my stomach felt sick. really. i cannot take it anymore. i can't. i felt like vomit. i really cannot take it anymore, to be simple!! suddenly i remember a shiny thing around his finger. thank god he's married.

maybe, i was born cristina. and sometimes, i wish to be simple. happy. shiny. nice. but i can't.



“God, the women in these magazines...Some of them are actually brides, you know? They're not all models....All smiling...It's like the only thing in the world that matters is that they find the perfect shoe to match that dress. God, you know, I knew these girls. I w... I went to school with them.It's funny. I used to feel sorry for them. They're simple girls. They just want to find the guy and get married, you know...live.I don't know. I think you're either born simple or you're born...Me.I want to be the person who gets happy over finding the perfect dress. I want to be simple. 'Cause no one holds a gun to the head of a simple girl.”

Hanging by a moment

i am confused
i am at state of comfort
where i don't want to fall any deeper
or get over it already
i know i will get hurt eventually
i know this is going nowhere
i could feel
maybe i will run away again like i used to do
seeing the people around me getting hurt is enough for me to never get near it
sometimes i could feel you
sometimes i lost the sense of connection
i don't know
i'm afraid to move
i cannot completely accept it
and i cannot throw it all away
cause it feels so good with a little bit of blood in it

help me, help me to help myself

I hate this part right here

the conversation between me and the senior staff

he: kau pulak bila nak kawen..

me: hehehe

he: dah ada bf ke

me: mana ada lagi

he: jgn nk tipu lah, slalu je gayut, td pun bru je kluar gayut kan

me: hehe, xde ape. kwn je lah.

he: dh slalu gayut tu bf la kan.

me: eh xde lah

he: kenal blaja ke

me: errr..eh x lah masa keje

he: masa keje sblm sini?

me: errr yessss

he: degree?

me: diploma.

hhmmmmmmmm

(btw, this is seriously an issue in the family, the marriage, and the antara dua darjat whatever thing - monolog dalaman)

the truth is, 50% of the conversation is a lie. i'm not used to lie, but if i say yes, it is a lie, and no - is a lie too. what should i say then. if they only knew who the person is. choke choke

Misery Business

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face under the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away
-Brandi Carlile

-Brandi carlile writes her own songs
-she plays guitar
-her songs were featured in grey's anatomy so many times, including the story, throw it all away. turpentine, tragedy, what can i say and this song, hiding my heart away
-i guess she's a very dark and sad person, based on her songs
-my blog title, the story was inspired by her song
-she's a lesbian
-she's a gemini, that's a strong reason why she is so twisted,haha


p/s - even when you're sober, never ever call me again. I'm mending, after you broke me.

It's All about me

i want to grieve
1.i don't want to meet anyone
2.i want to lock myself in my room and turn off all the light
3.i don't want to face the sunlight
4.i don't want to eat anything except for junk food
5.i just want to lay down on my thin mattress, trying hard to be sleeping
6.i want to cry like crazy
7.i want to sing sad songs loudly

but i can't. i have to work for money. my tight schedule doesn't allow me to do stupid things.
1.i have to meet people everyday, to solve problems. and sadly, all-men
2.i have to go to work everyday for me to keep on living, pay back my parents, and indirectly motivate to my younger siblings to work hard for life too.
3.everyday i'm not only facing the sunlight, but have to work under sunlight. hot!
4.i don't have time to eat junk food.
5.i don't have time to lay lazy except for sunday. all i do after work is go straight to sleep. i came home late everyday. no time to laze around.
6.i don't have time to cry like crazy.
7.i can only hear songs when i drive my car to and back from work.

but to grieve continuously is not healthy, you could end up like Ms. Havisham.

for you to pray, cry and beg to god is a real thing.

thank you,

yours faithfully,
the President of people with crappy life

It's a man's world

You took me for granted
I dont understand it
Went looking for answers
I came up empty handed
But dont worry about me
Cause Im stronger than you think
And I know its a blessing
I came up empty handed
-Kelly Clarkson, Empty Handed



after this situation, i guess the sun sets before it even rises.



i have been the only woman here for one month. and it feels so damn boring. i need a girl to talk over. who listens. but i cannot even speak about it. speak SPEAK speak!!! oh kristen, help me :0



i guess whoever wrote this song was right,
This is a man's, a man's, a man's world
But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl

Restless, adventureland

it was not the best movie of kristen stewart. but the taglines went right straight into my brain. really fits the company that i worked right now.

It was the worst job they ever imagined... and the best time of their lives.

Nothing brings people together like a crappy summer job.

Long hours. Low pay. High times.

we get really close even when we are not working at the same place (but still the same company). we rarely meet each other, just for big occasions, but it feels close, cause we share the same crappy problem. and we can talk like we're that close. we can talk on phones for hours. we can still be good co-workers though different races, religion, age rage and gender.

because we have the same crappy boss, who yells all the time and who expects us to be a robot without rest time.

and we're working like shit. almost 24 hours a day. and we are still working during sleeping time. it comes in the form of dreams...

and still working during public holidays.

and your co-workers still call each other during festive time about work.

and you cannot enjoy your holiday thinking about your pending works.

even when my pay is really really low compared to some people who have less work. just because they work in a big company.

Breaking the Girl

everyone and his selfish mind.

She used to be dark, and she's changed because of you. she's like the moon who's shining your sunshine. but during eclipse, she cannot help herself to be separated by you.

it's getting darker than ever. she needs you to help her during this dark time. why can't you. i know you miss her too. miss her sudden shiny happy thing. i can see that you clearly miss her. but you're too selfish to help her. ask her. can't you just reduce her burden, she's carrying the weight of the world right now, can you feel?

all you do is sit down and missing her. i can see that you are depress there. and she, is selfish too. she wants your attention so she ignores you, and you... just ignore her back. and she cannot treat you back like she used to do, and you... don't understand it. can't you see she's sick. ask her, help her. she's dying. she cannot speak of it unless you ask.

don't you miss your friendship?

and if you don't miss it. so she's true, you're just using her...