Emergency Eye Wash

This is what we need, when chemical starts to react.
Effecting our whole anatomy.
From eyes to heart.
For your entertainment. The women, my top ten list.
ENJOY!

10. LEXIE GREY
i know she's messy, talks fast and could be annoying sometimes. but she is smart, at least in grey's. i don't have a thing with blondie. but when she turned blonde, it brings out her eyes. i never noticed before.


9. JESSICA ALBA
she's hot, blonde or not, with or without make up. i am like the ugly version of jessica alba. vomit!


8. HAYLEY WILLIAM
great music. great hair.


7. DAKOTA FANNINGS
she's not the typical young hollywood actress, full with gossips and whatsoever. and she is a talented young actress. proven in the runaways.


6. EMMA WATSON
she's smart. screw typical girl, let me cut my hair


5. KELLY CLARKSON
she's clean and talented. that's why she is not that famous


4. CALLIE TORRES
i love her even when she was straight. whatever!


3. ELLEN PAGE
i think she refuse to play typical girlish character. her smart face worth.


2. LET'S JUST CALL HER ANA. and i don't want to publish her picture here. hehehe




and the winner is




of course


1. KRISTEN STEWART


straight or not. rock star or not. vampire or not. awkward or not. still love her.

such a beautiful disaster

have you ever have something so beautiful,
something you enjoy the most,
but you cannot keep it?
it's like forbidden.
or it's just not right.
or you will ruin yourself.

HAVE you?


And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
-Kelly Clarkson, beautiful disaster.

P.S. - listen to this song, it's a beautiful combination of words,melody and voice. especially the piano acoustic live version.

you and me, minus them..

I'll take your invitation.You take all of me now
-lifehouse

wtf?!?!?!?

we have some mutual friends. at the beginning, only one person knew. then two.
then someone read our messages. three.
fourth, is my close friend, cause i talked a little too much about what's happening, which is like impossible if it is nothing.
this is the mutual friends only.

avoiding.denying.tiring.

don't let those experience people know. i'll die then.

it is - i don't know if it's an affair or not. it is unusual for a normal human. it is US. in our own way. so don't judge. you'll never get the correct answer.

and i don't think that US will have our happy ending. just get ready for some tears-bursting thing.

and it's not my fault cause you started it first.huh!

Almost Grown

when we were younger, we can't wait to be grown up.
to be rich
to have own money, car, house.
to be beautiful
so we don't have to argue with our parents in order to have extra money

when i was younger, me and my siblings need to help my mother teaching her students in order to gain extra money. imagine i was 14 years old, teaching 9 years old kid. funny lahh.
when i was even younger, i followed my father to the market early morning every sunday, so i could buy my favorite comics. we don't have to work hard those days, but still we complained, as if we were the president of the most wrecked up country.

but as we are getting older, for sure life gets harder. without even realizing it, we are all alone.
our father is no longer our driver.
our mother is no longer our cook.
our sisters are no longer our roommates.
our brother is no longer our only boy friend.

friends come and go. and because we are too good or too optimistic, we don't realize that our own friend is backstabbing on us. working life is obviously different from study life. we keep saying no, though it is obvious. the environment said so. the people around us said so. then we began to be pessimist. we doubt everyone, even ourselves. prejudice is our very new best friend.

and we are getting less religious. cause we stopped listening to religious talk like we were in school, at least once a day. or at least we don't get the religious talk from our mother.

being independent is terrifying. but somehow, that's what all of us dream of right? oh wait, i remember you said that your dream is to marry handsome rich guy. so being independent is MY DREAM! so, alone, i'll catch this dream. i'll move forward, and if you wanna come along in this crazy ridiculous journey, you can come along.



We all want to grow up. We're desperate to get there. Grab all the opportunities we can to live. We're so busy trying to get out of that mess, we don't think about the fact that it's going to be cold out there. Really freaking cold. Because growing up sometimes means leaving people behind. And by the time we stand on our own two feet, we're standing there alone.
Grey's anatomy 705

i lost myself

i used to wonder, how people can get addictive to drugs. how does it feels, to feel the needs. how do they even know that all they need is drug.

and recently i happen to have a lot of headaches, aching stomach, and difficulties to sleep. so i take this kind of medication, it is specialize for heavy toothache. i took it for 1 week, and then only i can go to bed.

then i stopped. cause i know this is unhealthy. my liver need to live for something.
and i already stopped for 1 week. and i feel something missing. the headaches getting heavy. insomniac is dancing every night. counting sheep doesn't help at all. and finally after 1 week of self-rehab, i lost myself into drugs again.

i cannot explain to myself how does it feels, but i know that the pills is what i need for me to breath again.

so this is how it feels to get messed up with the pills, drugs and medication.

and i don't want to end up like kurt cobain...

Give Me Novacaine

warning: don't read if you hate me writing all about me, in a whiny annoying way


i have an asshole boss. who never satisfy even when i work almost 24 7. i have girls problems and boys issues. i was at the darkest moment of my life.

i always listen to people's problems. to people who is so obsess with themselves. why are they keep staring at me omg. i'm the main attention here. is my dressing too obvious.

i listen to people who perfectly fine.good job, high salary and obviously very nice boyfriend. but wants to create her own drama. i think my boyfriend doesn't really love me. when i asked why. replied,i just think. whether you are blind or stupid. and she added, i think he's not ready to get married. OBVIOUSLY you are just 23 and he has lots of sisters and family to take care of.

and i listen to people who have a real dark problem. cheating boyfriends. broken families. and daughters who don't want to get married, asshole boss like mine (really), and stupid colleague who thinks he's the boss. these are the real people with real problems. listening to others' problems make you feel less alone.

but when i have these kind of problems, i don't know how to express. i tried to call him, wishing for some kind of comfort, (though i'm not going to tell the problem). he didn't pick up. i understand he's as busy as me but what the fuck. i was there when he was dark and twisty. i listen all the time. i don't talk at all. I fucking listen. but where are you when i needed you the most. ok i don't care cause i don't really care. so i went into my office, make a scene to my colleague, i think he is the only person at my workplace that i can show the real me. he could see how mentally ill i was. he offered to do part of my works.good! he offered me to sit down and talk when he knew i have a personal problem. and he knew what is my personal problem! i could be obvious sometimes. i talked, finally. and it feels sooooooooooo fucking goooooooooooooooood!

now i'm going out having fun with my girl friend

tomorrow,
back into dark and twisty mode.

good night misery.

see you tomorrow.

Blind

Looking at the photograph




I wonder, why am I...

a grieving sunday for a superfreak

Nobody chooses to be a freak. Most people don't realize they're a freak until it's way to late to change it. No matter how much of a freak you end up being, chances are there's still someone out there for you. Unless of course, they've already moved on. Because when it comes to love, even freaks can't wait forever.
-grey's anatomy season 7 episode 3- superfreak

have you ever felt like you're done waiting?

sunday should be a grieving day for me. as i stated before this, i enjoy the grieving mode. but because my boss is too crappy to let me grieve, so i have to work. instead of working, i woke up at 11 am. so i decided not to work. screw you work. i should enjoy the grieving sunday. i should enjoy the lonesomeness. i should enjoy the undisturbed moment.

so this is what i did
1. i did my laundry (i remember meredith did her laundry during her rare-to-find-off-day)
2 .i cooked. yes i'm not a good cook, i rarely cook. so cooking is a good way to release stress especially for non-cooker because you will concentrate and you used all your senses. touch taste smell sight and ear. (izzie baked a lot when denny died)
3. then i went for shopping. i mean grocery shopping. i think the last time i enjoy grocery shopping is two months ago. it feels much more better than clothes or shoes shopping. (cristina did grocery shopping when she found out that meredith is close to death from drowning)

lately i have lost the sense of taste. everything is tasteless. i lost my appetite. even when eating expensive food i feel nothing.
i cannot sleep at night. i have to swallow strong medication to fall asleep.
i woke up in the middle of night, remembering my undone work, so i switched on my laptop and did my work. it happens more than once.
i have tendency to suicide. or to hurt myself.
i cry a lot lately, until i got the eye infection. bad bad.
the worst part is, i don't know who i should tell my problems. or in other words, i don't trust people anymore to tell problems.


you can say i'm a freak. but i honestly cannot wait for you anymore. so i decided to move on.

my life is suck already, you cannot make it better

if you cannot stick with me through this worse part.
if you cannot stay with me when i am at the end of my career.
if you cannot be with me when you know i don't have any future.
so you better get out of my life, completely!

She is not Mrs. McDreamy

usually, when she is with the boys, she will be the boy too
she will drive the car, even the car is full with the boys
she will treat them (as if she has the higher salary)
and they will smoke and sometimes blow the smoke towards her.
yes rude, what boys are. at least she thought so.


but last night, he made her feel like a girl. except the fact that he owned 75 percent of the conversation.
he picked her up with she-doesn't-know-and-doesn't-care-whose-car-is-it
he treated her even his salary is lower
he sent her home
and he didn't smoke at all during the two-hours dinner.(even he's a heavy smoker)


he makes her feel like a girl.
she never thought she'll find one.
and now all she wants to do is numb herself.

Shock to the System

Cris: Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. So, between the two of us, you and McDreamy should be fine. I thought it would fix me.
Mer: That’s not why he married you.
Cris: Oh, he didn’t marry me. He married a corpse. I’m dead inside.
Mer: I told Derek. About the miscarriage. I told him. You got married Cristina. For better, or for worse. This is the worse part. The thing is, there will be better parts. You should go back.
Cris: Yeah.
Mer: Yeah.

Suddenly Owen came...

Owen: Cristina. You don’t feel nothing. Alright. You didn’t feel nothing today. You felt scared. You were terrified. You felt anger. You were angry at me. After what you’ve been through you’re allowed. Alright. That’s what you should be feeling. I know. Because, when I was there I felt all those things. And I… I took it all out on you. And you were patient, and you were kind. And you stayed through it. Because you love me. You love me. So ah, you can be scared with me. Or you can be pissed with me or at me. I don’t care. Cause, I’m gonna stay through it all. I’m not going anywhere Cristina. I’m not going anywhere without you.

Cris(to Owen): Lets go home.

Cris left

Mer(t0 Owen): I had already fixed her before you came. But, that was a nice speech.

Grey's Anatomy Season 7 episode 2

i think we are allowed to be terrified and to feel pissed off. we are allowed when the unexpected things are happening to us. even the unexpected is expected. even when we said we are ready for the lost. the truth is we are never ready for the lost. we are allowed to get angry when someone left us during the worse time. and we are allowed to be terrified when someone is really there, when we thought no one is actually there. for the optimist, you should be terrified when he left you. and for the pessimist, you should be terrified, even when he asked you out. even when it means nothing to him, and it means something to you. you should feel terrified, cause through the terrifying moment, there will be a change, for better. or for worse. - Fanny Torres (muahahaha)



And I'm terrified
For the first time and the last time
In my only life
- Katherine McPhee

crushcrushcrush

what will you do, if you text someone like this : kau ni comel la (you are cute)
you've got the reply as: kau tu ngok ngek (you are crazy)


susu dibalas tuba!!!


i like to tease tease you, until you think you are blushing, blush, blush, you little spice!! crushcrushcrush

tease tease
spice spice
blush blush
crush crush

Terrified

laying on the floor
wanting some more
thinking
craving

staring at the sky
feeling so high
complicated
addicted

searching
missing
thinking
craving