in between

ini bukanlah realiti,

.......................ini tak hampiri fantasi

white weddings

not all people are meant for marriage and wedding. maybe they dont find the right one in this world.destiny is in god's hand. who are we to judge about them being choosy or pathetic whatsoever.

first of all stop making fun of them by saying, no wonder they are spinster. god wont give something you cant handle. so maybe they are strong and independent enough to stand alone in this world.

second, please dont overly exaggerate your big fat wedding on social network. it hurts. for some people, it is just a dream. every woman dream of it, which color to choose. how big it will be. how big is the hantaran.but not all can choose. or not all can afford. keep it to yourself and your closed ones.

just respect others' feeling as you want people to respect yours. and if spinsterhood is the destiny that god granted me. i accept it, and will be proud of it. looking at the bright side, i will take care of my parents.

sunny gloomy weather

i've been really emotionally lately. sorry for the bad energy.

and i am falling back into the addiction of soya bean, ever since i moved to kedah. has been 2 1/2 months. i broke up 1 week after moving here. thanks kedah for the moment of truth. i know it has been 2.5 months late to thank you. you have been my shelter for 3 years since 10 years ago. now come back to me, darling. come rain or come shine.

wishing you all brighter days forward and on

p/s:used to hate this place so much when i was 14/15, thought it took away all my hometown friends. but this is where i learned about life, this is the beginning, and i felt like i am starting over. all over again.this was the stepping stone,and i feel like stepping on it again.

bye bye mucho mucho

damn unpretty

Life is great for beautiful people. but not someone like me. i dont get what i want because i am unpretty. pretty girls, all they need to do is flirt and then *tada* they will get the job, money, rich and handsome husband. even the kind of good guy will choose the pretty girl, because pretty girls will look nice and kind.

on the other hand, i am ugly, unkind and unfriendly. so i look kind of one hell of devilish witch. with pointed chin. i noticed this since i was little, so i worked so hard in school. i even stayed in class (sorok2) during riadah time. i was the ugly duckling in family. my sisters and mother got the look.
and without failure i got straight As in school.

when u got all As, it doesnt stopped there. even after 7 years, people still asked me about my results. during job interviews, they are so impressed with you. compare to their 1st impression. you can inspired little children who asked about your results, to work harder

but for whoever who get not so good result, but beautiful faces, u can put your picture in ur resume. if u r 40, u can make a collection of younger and hotter picture.

ok bitterness from an ugly biatchhh haha. bye

The Walk Away

My heart skips a lup dup just now.
Eh wait.
Too much lup dup every steps
approaching you and leaving you.
Eventually

And I realized I am noone compared to you.
Ur so fine being u urself.
That was when my heart stopped to lup dup
and shattered into pieces

Pieces of vessels.
From a broken heart

Because I was too scared,
I don't make use the existence of you.
When you were with me.
I just walked away.
Walk off the terrified.

you ruined it once, never twice

and now, why are we talking about feelings,
like it is a thing
as if you have one,
as if you ever hunt
as if we had one mutual, once
or perhaps twice

and what are you doing asking about my feelings
like it is your thing
investigating me
as if i have one
as if i am your case
did u ever amaze

like i said, i am gladly rejecting your invitation to the dark december
to our misery december
i still remember
every detail of it
though it was erased a bit by bit
like the sound of your heartbeats

disappearing in mine
disappearing in yours
and whats up with the phone calls
and i'll call you next time
and only stupidity will leave me
as if you are one of them

penakut

aku bukannya penakut
kau bukanlah heroic
kau buat aku like an addict
dgn kata2 medic mu

kau berlagak seperti doktor
cuba merawat lukaku yg kotor
sekali lagi kau kata
lets dive back into our misery december
boleh ku tutup mata
buang semua gementar?

dan kini,tiada apa yg pasti
hari2 ternanti
bila degupan jantung terhenti
kau pasti mati

life in a simple quadratic equation

the combination of poetry and rhythm. = sweet.

i got that all back

guess loneliness is some kind of inspiration

ax2+bx=-c

negative c is the sum of ax2 and bx

if i add the three of them, i'll gain, =nothing

ax2+bx+c=0

same goes to A and B. i met A once, i met B so many times. but i never met AB. does it make any sense if A+B=AB. no cause AB can only produce when A x B = AB.


can you solve A+B=AB? it takes an extreme genius, or a crazy person

the one that got away

you said it never was a sin
but all you wanted is to win
now all that lingers is your grin
my head began to spin

they said you were only a mistake
one of us is gonna break
but you were so tempting like a cake
even before it's baked

but when i woke up in the morning
all thats left is mourning
cause i ignored the warning
living with growing pain

though i was the one that got away

chasing cars

if i lay here, would you lie with me

and forget the world - snow patrol

Some people are lucky enough to never been through a break up, or never been the victim of breaking up.

every broken person grieves, some show it with tears, anger, depression expression, and awkward laughter/smile.

but some people show no emotion. plain, ordinary. as if they dont even care and feel a thing about it. it heals slower. so just cried out loud and yell like crazy person if it is the satisfaction.

and make a statement: i am so going to end up alone!

have a nice sucks life!

when alice stops wondering

i was young and innocent when i met you
and you were the decent guy that should be into
that's why i took you for granted
in the beginning, every girl never wanted

but you came like season
without any reason
i let you pass
and time left so fast

i met the warmth inviting bear
and i went searching for more
and i ended up with bleeding
half-eaten flesh
when i let myself play in the wood
in the real forest where wolves are real

though mr bear offered me,
i cant feel his comfort zone
just wish my flesh never were eaten
so i could feel again

tak mungkin kerna sayang

being with jt, it reminds me of dnch so much. so yesterday, i went log in into dnch's fb and stalked, reading dnch's chat with other girls ha ha haaa (it has been 4 months+ since i logged in)

and today, suddenly dnch commented on my fb attending kenduri..dnch asked where. (mula2 dh cuak, ingatkan dh kantoi still log in to dia punya fb. tp siapa suruh bg password.)

then we chatted. and we dont have nothing much to share. no, maybe a little bit much of missing here and there. but im not in love with dnch, anymore.

and currently waiting for jt's call.

good night

and yes, saya layan lagu malaysia

aku hanya serangga - ?

i dont believe in love at first sight
it is not even love
i never been in one
and it will be very funny if one has been in one - with me~!

its a big lie
i dont believe it

im not an optimist
im not hopeful
but i am realistic and certain
once i believe it
then it is true
though my judgment was injected by the devil a few months back
and i am sorry for anyone who ever gets hurt

despite our differences

into thin air
and vanish

and when you woke up the next day
its the brand new you

and you wished!you might!

sometimes, i wish i could just disappear

he picked what they left.
and you are tired to start over.

it's funny how you waited for so long for someone to take you as you are, and you are trying to change him/her instead. be gratitude.

and it is a relief to see my boss after so long time. *petang tadi i was asked to leave the meeting room. tu lah melawan lagi. yes asyik gaduh dlm meeting. and i am 24 and representing my company for straight hell 2 months. all the representatives are old men. damn. people used to ask dont you fear the bosses. i dont fear people. i fear god only. but i respect people. but once i lost that from someone, you'll never get one.

i cant believe my boss trust me to handle such a big project, he only knew me for 8 months? i guess i wont experience this crappy thing if i worked in a big company. <3

i am not bragging about my work. my work is crappy. i have issues with these people that i love. and i dont have a prince charming. but i have someone to whine about, to tell all the crazy dreams and fantasy, to show my anger, to be the punching bag at the end of a very tiring day. not handsome, not rich, but someone funny which is cute. and someone smart which is so sexy!

you're going to lose that girl

after chasing part is done, here comes the first stage of the relationship. no more honeymooning, trying to fit each other. doubts overflowing, especially when you have a friend that keeps telling you, you made the wrong choice. can friends let us be happy for a few lifetimes?

i have this two friends who i matchmade. during the first stage of the relationship, if both of them have problems, they would run to me and burst everything. trying to fit each other is hard. mind became critical, misunderstanding and miscommunication is always a must. you dont trust each other. so i said to the she and the he, if you're not expressing your real feeling, the dissatisfaction to each other, you're going to lose that girl/boy. if you dont let you ego down, and say sorry, you're going to regret. and "jangan tinggal daku" words came out. makes us girls feel so touchy and burst in laughter.

sometimes you have to listen to third parties. but if they became too critical and unsupportive, you know what to do. it is you and you in this relationship. others are just the supporters and ruiners. i'm glad i am the supporters kind of friend.

i was inspired to write this post after listening to sudirman, because the he friend is a big fan of sudirman. i was his friend since 2006. i realized he had this big crush on her since the beginning. i asked him and he denied. in 2008, he confessed to me but too scared to tell because she always like other guys (or konon2 nya good guys and turned out to be a disappointment, and i found these typical guys a few times) so in 2009, after she has been through so many heart-breaking life story, i told her about him. at that time i realized she likes him too, but she herself did not notice it. after she knew it, she waited for his confession, and it took too long until she wanna give up on him. after a lot of provocation from me, "you're going to lose that girl" whatsoever, then he confessed. me and another friend "the best man" took a lot of role in their relationship making.

and now, even when they have relationships problems, they can handle it themselves, cause they dont listen to anyone anymore. they trust each other. and they're going to get enganged this november. congrats. and im going to be the bridesmaid, always will.



this is how a woman fight for her friend! and thats the reason why i love watching gA. the twisted friendship bond

last man standing

when everyone left, she is the one who picked up all the pieces. all the shit thats left.fix and repair. she is the one who has to settle down with the material defect list. touching up all the cracks. finishing up all the broken painting. replacing the broken mirror and glasses. picking up the rubbish. house keeping.

she will stay until the end.
she is not the first person that people will notice. not the kind that will appear in the first episode of the story. she will show up when there is no more hope.
she is the last hope
she is the one who will defend at the final door
she is the goal keeper.

she is the last woman standing

my favourite mistake

yes,people make mistakes.
i make mistake all the time.
because we are living in repetition
and we learn not to do it again.

people make mistake of choosing the wrong friends.
trying cigarette.
saying wrong words at the wrong time.

but the worst mistake is, refusing to know someone.
by accusing that, that person is not a good person.

because the worst mistake is, the mistake that you will never learn.

if you refuse to be his/her friend. to accept her/him as part of your community, how could you know he/she is bad? you will never know cause you will never try. you will never regret. and you will repeat the same mistake. you will never learn. looking at the bright side, you could change her/him. you wont loose anything from the additional of good person in this world.

bukankah manusia itu semua sama?
kenapa perlu membeza-bezakan.
bukankah sesama manusia itu bersaudara.
kenapa perlu menindas?

try to accept people
and learn from the acceptation

p.s. 1 miss you?

the garbage girl

client boss: why is there too much rubbish here

clerk of work (C.O.W) (coming from distance): it is in the drawing boss


DAMN

at first i thought it was the cow's joke. but then my friend said, the cow thought the boss is asking about work-related things. so it is obviously the cow is too confident, if boss asked about anything, the answer will be--it is in the drawing. even the RUBBISH!

my life rocks-barney(not the purple one)

there is absolutely no work. and my boss still dont instruct me to go to the other sites.

8am go to site. (actually 8.15 lah)

no keje no keje. 10 am balik. buat filing, susun drawing. 12noon-sleep until 2pm.
2pm wake up.siap2.almost 3, go back to site. jalan2 until almost 5. then balik.
i really mean no work.

rasa macam makan gaji buta. but thinking back the time i work 8am till 7pm everyday it is worth the pain. even my working hour is 8 to 5. sometimes work until midnight if there is concrete work etc2.

so finally my first complete project finish. 6 months. 107units of houses and 8 other buildings.
before this i spend 10 months on incomplete project (5800mt tanks and piping). but i already resign.

cant wait to construct 400 units of houses!!! this december, could be. love the challenge.miss the hecticness

car crash

i cant sleep
everytime i sleep, i have this dream of searching r and i cant find r
and i waited for r to come, to call me, and r failed
r just disappeared

and reality sucks too

i remember someone told me when i was a kid, that i'm going to marry an ass just like someone (mentioned..).so thats why i am very insecure about marriage. i am afraid that its going to come true. my insecurities are getting thicker when i met r. everyone will definitely think r is an ass just by the way r looks. (accusing, yes!) but r is the only person in this world who thinks i am smart and cute at the same time. r is the only person who wiped my tears when i cried. r is my shoulder, my nagger,my listener, my friend. and now r just gave up on me cause r hurts. i was r's second chance and i screwed r.

just so you know, accusing other people of doing something they dont have any intention to do so is a sin too. if you have the knowledge, use it wisely. i hope we all can have the knowledge (ilmu), and apply it(amal), through our faith(iman)- (i was reminded by someone who doesn't have the education as high as me, and it is very embarrassing for me who forget about it even i pray and fast. thats what friends are for, right)

and i am in no position of judging people as i am the person who always makes mistakes. if you are my friends, and you think i did something wrong, be the real friend and talk straight to my face. not talking behind my back. thanks.

baru lepas kena marah

it's funny (or ironic?)

when you think you found someone you love, who loves you back

and everyone that matters to you, disapproved it

as if he never really love you

when finally comes, everyone just said, indirectly

NOONE COULD EVER LOVE YOU DEAR..

how pathetic is that

MYOB

when i gave my blog link to certain people, it means i trust them

trust them to see the darker side of me, the weaker side of me

but when they use it to go against me

to let me down

to make it a point, whenever we have an argument

like telling me "who are you to say anything, you are one depress woman"

i feel like, should i change my blog link again, or make it private. let the strangers read, cause strangers wont judge that much

but whenever i changed, they will search and ask me

is it lovely to bring me that low?

mind your own blog

supernova baby

even when the moon is using me,
even when they look at the moon and compliment its brightness.
even if me myself is adoring the moon, secretly
i will stay out of his brightness
as i dont want the moon to get hurt
like the others
the other moons from the other planets
from the other universes

so i will lay on the dead grass
ticking on the hourglass
waiting for another shooting star
who keep on shooting while i was sleeping
deep down in my dream
turns out to be a monster

so i do
let myself hurt
cause i dont want the moon to get hurt

and in the brightness of the morning,
i could still see the moon
squatting by the window
waiting for me and what i bring
then run into the door
disappearing into the morning brightness

and i am not ready to let it all out
like i already did in my brain

something is missing

i miss reading good blogs.
some people stop updating blogs.
some rarely updating.
some make it private.
some delete it.

so what's left for me to read good writings

only left

a like 15-year-old kid talking about how cute his boyfriend is..
everytime to look at him is like the first time falling in love
where did you have your first kills (kiss)
eh, see for a few months, are you two still together.
or see for a few years, you're going to throw up everytime you look at him

yes, i did miss her
someone to talk to
is she still alive?

remember me this way

remember that night,
where we laid lazy together,
facing moon
and you said the moon looks sad, exactly like me.

and i told you
my darkest secret i've been holding on for years.
then together we buried the secret underground.
you said it was the sweetest night
but all i want to do is forgetting you and the night.

i dont know whether to hate you or miss you

bittersweet addiction

everytime i drink white coffee, i will throw up
i dont know whats the cause
but i know i have gastric problem and coffee is such a no-no
but i need coffee in order to stay awake and energetic

so my coffee was out of stock
i went a few days without it
i cannot stay awake in the morning at all
i fell asleep at the inappropriate places
the taste of the coffee lingers on my tongue

so i bought the new stock
i drank and throw up, over and over again
my friend said to find replacement, the milder one.
but i can't
it's 2 am in the morning now.
i wonder should i drink coffee or not for the next morning

choose
Vomit vs Sleepy

stress out

i miss you coffee

always there

i lost with a human
i drown in a world
i listen to a devil
i ignore The Only Love

please forgive me, the only love
i am weak, fragile and nothing without you
i want you to always beside me
lead me through this ordinary world
embrace me through loneliness
warm me up through the cold
cool me when i get burn

the only love, please forgive me
there is no other Love than you
you are the brightest, greatest and only love
please caught me with your Love Forever

i hate me

i dont know.maybe i will always be the black sheep in every society.
she is the smarter. the more beautiful. the more in everything.
well-rounded.
according to her.

and i am the ugly and desperate. according to her.

i dont deserve anything better. i remember when she said i deserve the worse. and all her words keep growing in me all these years. even on paper obviously i am much smarter. she is still the smartest. the most perfect.

according to her.

Untuk Terakhir Kali

after too much chasing and laughing
it's time to let go
face the truth
thanks for finally let me go
though it's hard for me and you
cause i finally found someone who i can cry to
a shoulder to lean on
a best friend
someone to talk to
to waste time with
to look forward for another day
to wake me up every morning
to kiss goodnight before i sleep
to dream about
to be in love without so much effort
someone who melts my ego down

i will always love you the realer

anything is better than to be alone

i was made insecure
even by the closest people of my life
whenever a guy wants to get near me
people will say that he must be chasing for something else
even my mom said so
so what's the point of believing anymore
being optimistic is hopeless kind of crap
i was reminded everytime, they will only love the chase
my money
and in the end
i was reminded that, i am not capable of being loved

even when i was little,
i was given the littlest attention among my sisters and brother
as i was growing up, i was left in the corner of room
so i found my comfort zone there
where noone was looking

sometimes, it gets so lonely and aching to hide in the closet.
but to face the truth, that noone will ever save you.
some people were born with beauty, fame, money,
they can get whatever they can
so for them to meet someone like me, they will wonder why i chose this path
a path that is going nowhere.
sometimes, some people are given only one path
no choice
like the fortunate one
why cant they understand

i was made insecure
now im totally lost

if we could make the time as our own

so said you...

m:why haven't we met earlier.
w:when?
m:when i was 21.
w:i was 11 then.
m:i hope we met when i was 21 and you were 18
w:i'm having my dinner. i hope you are here.
m:just call my name, i could taste your food too. there is too many damn obstacles for us to meet.
w:if we never meet again, i will meet you in heaven.
m:i will make sure, we will definitely meet again

the next day, w died in an accident. ironic? i missed m.


on the other hand.

i wonder he is ever tired of saying i love you without the expected reply
i feel so screwed. he needs to be saved. but things could get worse if i save him with hopeful medication. and he is 3 years younger than me. i need something grown!

let go of me

what we did is wrong
i have no one to talk to
so are you
and for right now
all we have is each other
when the time comes
when someone else met me
when it's time to let go
you have to let me go
and never hold me too tight

me is not necessarily me

i was thought to build the bricks around myself
for protection from the outside world
from the bad weather
covering myself with roof

i've been living like that for almost all my life
sometimes, my heart and my brain combines
willingness to see the outside world
and with bare hands and legs
i've climbed my own wall
for not being strong enough,
i slipped and fell

tired of this routine
i decided to break this wall
let the outside wall see me
the ugly me
so i could see them too
i could breath the fresh air
see the bigger space
i have wasted half of my life for living inside myself
for building my own barriers
for ignoring the knocking doors
for being too afraid of the ordinary

it's time to live. then die

a feeling that turns into some sort of responsibility

Throw your soul through every open door,
Count your blessings to find what you look for.
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold,
You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you've sown.

-ADELE

current mode. FUCKING BITTER

baby,
nasi sudah jadi bubur
pisang sudah pun berbuah tiga kali
your biggest nightmare will ALWAYS come true
no matter how optimistic you tried to be

TRY ME. IT'S FUCKING TRUE.
OPTIMISTIC IS JUST A WASTE OF TIME, ENERGY AND FEELING.
*PISSED* THANKS.

some men tried so hard to act cool. dengar nama kau saja aku mau termuntah sudah. damn kan

all we know is falling apart

in the beginning it's logical
shifting to natural
how do we end up so tragical
instead of miracle

the way the things were buried underground
strengthened the soil
so it will keep everything together
concreting fragility
building bricks around it
closing up like a box
except for a narrow window
and an unopened door

the chaos and riot
ps i miss you idiot

Kuala Selangor King Bed

in the forest, they survived
a few meters apart, their eyes met
face to face, the chemical explodes
in the distance, she's bleeding

when he left, she could never look back at him
when she turned around, he's completely gone

in her single bed,
she's bleeding
she's breaking
she's weeping

the tears she's been holding for months
roll gently on her cheeks
wishing
creeping
for happiness
for sadness to depart instead

she knew, if he makes her so extremely happy.
he will leave her in the end

so it happens again
the tragic ending of another short story

my heart skips a beat

feeling numb, by the way

Kathy BethTerry LOL

Oh my god
No exaggeration
Boy, all this time was worth the waiting
I just shed a tear
I am so unprepared
You got the finest architecture
And the rainbow-looking treasure's
Such a sight to see
And it's all for me
-KATY PERRY, PEACOCK

you can find art in fart.xoxo

uninvited

why do people stop waiting
stop
believing
wanting
hoping. why?

why do people moved on.
move forward.
left behind.
left blinded. ?

why do good things come when we don't want it anymore?
when it is no longer a good thing
when thing is getting worse
at all the wrong places and time

why do we have to ask the no-solution question.

with you without me

i did mention.
the hider looked pissed off
and i am a little bit of lack of entertainment.
because the realer and the faker had demob.

so the hider knock-knock on my door.
for some work related.
after that, i asked the hider to go out to p.m. with me.
so the hider grinned, and asked, "with you?"

well
i miss the realer
i used the hider
and i am enjoying the faker

i mean it

women make a scene once a month

i'm sorry

for the ignoring, for the ignorance
the hider really looked pissed off

because you're going..
people are meant to meet to be apart
people are meant to be born to be broken
people are meant to mend to rebroken
people are meant to laugh so they could cry
is one door is close, and another is open, there must be something wrong with the architecture.
as there are meant to be only one door in every home.
and there is a fake door. kitchen door with broken lock where people don't use anymore.

i'm sorry if the realer has became the faker.
and the faker is an ass.
if the hider chose to leave.
and i myself choose to unlive.

bedtime story

so the rat met with these three snakes.

1. the fake s word. - aka faker

2. the hidden s word. - aka hider

3. the real s word. - aka realer

so when the rat met the faker, she thought that the faker is the real s word.

so when the rat met the hider, she knew that the hider is the real s. somehow she didn't feel the connection.

and when the rat met the real s word. it is actually took a while before she could realize the existence of s.

so one day, the king of forest wanted to bring the rat to a heavenly forest. but instead of bringing her, she was left alone. she was crying by the river. so the faker and the realer passed by.

the faker and realer: why are you crying

the rat: i was left by the king of forest, and he broke his promises.

(the faker silently left them)

the realer: it's okay. if you're gone, no one will take care of me

(the rat was shocked and was trying to walk away. instead, she almost trip)

the realer: you have to be careful. if anything happen i will be the one who is in big trouble.

(SWEET SNAKE)

the next morning. the realer was injured so badly, he could not even move. by the time the rat reach the realer place, he was dead.

and the rat was eaten alive by the faker.

THE END

p/s- i miss the realer...

kisah hati siapa?

i went and rereading my blog.

i found out that lately, i wrote more about other people than myself.

and a few months ago, i was so depress, my posts sounded so suicidal. i feel sorry for myself. and for the readers.

i guess i am healthier. not-so-healthy. it's like the chemo session is a little bit of success. but the patient is going to die anyway.

last month, i was told that a new colleague is coming, and she's going to be my roommate. and because the rooms is fulled, and i am in the master bedroom, so i (with no other choice) have to offer her to be my roommate. - heavy-hearted

she brought her furniture. complete set. complete us. we hang out at the living room more. watching tv together.

then. just now. she has to move to other site. giving me back my freedom and privacy. i can lock back my empty room. and i have to admit, a few days forwards, loneliness will be sharing bed with me. back.

she is one-cool-woman. 35years old. unmarried. independent. and always happy,bubbly and funny. i always teased her and make her mockingly angry.

i wonder why men don't fight for great women like her. have men became stupider? perhaps?

as you dance in the train

i think i have a very weird taste
and they said it is a waste

and the language
and the age

the mumbling
the gambling
the morning greet
the unexpected meet

the water keeps pouring from the shower
the kids keep waving from the tower
and i keep expanding my cover
however

i lost for words
i lost in the woods

how i wish good thing will stay
how i wish forever is real

good dreams dance in the nightmares
reality sucks like the dress i wear

i just missed the train
again

kau begitu sampurna

he shows you how to grieve, mourn

but they taught me to be happy in whatever condition
it's ok to never be noticed
to be thankful

gratitude

it's okay to be happy over little thing

to whine sometimes without making it a big deal anyway

i feel the perfection,
with holes and flaws
here and there

listen to happy life love songs
and smile as if it is real

for the people who left you without notice
stop thinking
be ignorance
appreciate the person besides you

someone you never notice
cause they are beside you
always, waiting patiently
waiting the right moment to speak
as you are looking at the different direction

as they got the chance.
weather was the subject
and the water
and the back bone problems

even if they are not real

something left me with nothing

she was born twisted
and left broken-hearted

and she met these bunch of people
who, so much less fortunate than she was, and is
life is more than the gamble
still they stay humble

they work hard for money
at the end of the day they could still rest their tired body on wood
they could still laugh and smile
money shortage is just a problem
pain is the simple compromise
people what matters

they are not suppose to be happy
with holes here and there
but they were granted with gratitude
which not all people could have it

he is my soldier

he walks tip-toeing
he sleeps less lately
he could only think of what is waiting at his hometown
how his mom asked him to marry her
all this while he doesn't care about who's marrying who
but just lately.
just lately
so cliche
so typical
he met someone-different*
though it's different everytime
we have to admit

i could see
he shines a little bit more lately
the way he speaks her name
the way he calls her
in a very rhythmic way

she knew it
all she can do is, give him the pleasure before he marry someone he doesn't even know
she knew how does it feels to be rejected
and loveless
so both of them are just enjoying the moment
how they met
how they will be away from each other

all this while he could fall in love.
why now he has to meet someone?

and she
she sings about someone who is falling for her,
rather than someone she is falling for.

misguided ghost

he is someone who sit at the roof top. and stare
he is someone who is hiding underneath his hat
he is someone who walks very slow and tired
he is someone who doesn't choose to be famous
he is someone who pretends not to care, but ask about you when you are not around
he is someone who will go back to his hometown after so many heartbreaks
he is someone who doesn't talk a lot
he is someone who at the sweetest when he let his rarely smile out
he is someone who hides facing the wall
he is someone who talks when needed
he is someone who says hi when nobody is looking
he is someone i don't intentionally looking for
he resembles me
but still i could not like him
i could not like myself either

please please me

someone that is so real you cannot even stalk
someone who makes you trip when you walk

someone so scared to be your friend.
to mend

someone who just stare
and you think it's unfair

someone who makes you feel like a developing straight woman
the pirated version of woman
but so afraid to develop himself
like dusty trophy on shelves

someone you want him to stay
but you're not strong enough to say
you make him feel stray
when you think that you may

someone with beard
then you think it's weird

how temporary things passed by
without even saying hi
someone you think you will never able to say goodbye
when your feelings are high

it is just a story
against all the worry
that you will never regret not to share
cause they don't even care

while my guitar gentle weep

it's so funny how people, in 2011, still used the same old trick in the 90s movie.

make it a bet.

go get that girl.

but that boy lost himself in his own bet.

it's so funny to be the victim, but it is funnier to get victimized in your own game. to lose yourself in your own game. pathetic.

but you did.

It's beautiful
So simple
Like black and white
- KT Tunstall

when being alone is happy

is grey's anatomy 722 season finale? cause i dont feel like one. it disappoints me. it didnt have the wow-shocking thing like the previous seasons.

the focus should be on mer,cristina and alex. but i feel like their stories were too made-up. i mean, it shouldn't be a real great drama with that. cristina can just accept her pregnancy, but they want something to happen to these 3 characters. so it happens! but not in the interesting way.

maybe the title should really be calzona's anatomy? cause it seems more interesting the last few episodes.

no wonder the season finale is getting so dull, there is no calzona's story.

i kind of want mark and lexie to be back together.

and i have a thing with underdog too. so teddy and her husband will make a good story, maybe the tragic one.

and i really like april kepner. first of all, i thought she will be the chief resident. i voted for her (in my mind). and boom, she is. padan muka alex. the sad part is, noone is happy for her. and she didn't chase and expect it. she just continued with her life. i think she will find it hard like callie did when she was named the chief resident. and the same, she didn't fight for it either.
and it's nice for avery to be happy for her. what a friend. and one more thing, though avery and lexie make a beautiful couple, i dont feel the chemistry between them. and avery is the one who's going to get hurt.


There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever. - grey's anatomy season finale. 7.

killing softly

is this true?
is this real?
or just another dream.

help me
cause i found someone, more heartless, or heart-lesser than me.

Bila rasaku ini rasa mu

i am still new in this guitar area. so, playing guitar gives me so much concentration, a new stress release disorder. and it happens a few times where during working hour i went back home to pee and play guitar. working is stressful.

then i guess, how can someone cries while playing guitar. it's hard to produce a teardrop while playing guitar. so i tried to play miss swift's teardrops song. at first it feels nothing. but when i got involved with the lyrics, be in her shoes. you were in high school, you had a best guy friend, you're in love with him but he never notice you as that because you are just the girl next door. ok, it is so not me, but i imagined i was her. maybe more dark and twisted and emo situation. maybe i should smash my guitar on his face.

but i tried to feel the character.

and guess what, the teardrops finally fell on my guitar.

well done taylor. you are really a songwriter and a musician.

you must be hurt that much.

and, i think i heard it on the radio, that guy drew, came to her 2 years after the song was written or played on the radio (i dont remember which one). realizing that drew is actually him. but it's too late drew. taylor is moving on. you go girl!!

fixed and inspired

it's been a while.
i lost for words, and the poetry in between.
i have nothing to say,
so my fingers have something to say.

they strumming it out loud.
i think it's getting better now.

without you, the poetry within me is dead, but i got the rhythm.
get me, fix you up. i am so inspired by you and your style.

it's so hard for me to get the rhythm but i got this three.

kt tunstall - other side of the world
brandi carlile - the story
katy perry - e.t.

thanks. xoxo.

moving into acceptance

dimana dia
anak kambing saya
berwarna hitam
taringnya tajam

dimana dia
cinta hati saya
bermata merah
suka makan darah

from the bottom of my bitter brain

how great is love when it becomes your beautiful disaster?

if you ever listen to kelly clarkson's beautiful disaster, i used to wonder what is this song is all about..

then i found somewhere on her website. the songwriter, fell in love with an addict. she loves him too much, she can't let him go. even when she knew it will destroy her life and future. cause it is not easy to mend an addict.

so is love is that great. what if, it is not your boyfriend in that situation. your friend, even worse, your family. how strong can you handle them?

love is not worth the pain, men are not that great for us to hang on to. women nowadays, can stand by themselves. sometimes, we feel lonely. but hey, we have satellite and technology to feel the emptiness. and the most import thing is, we have our own religion to believe to, rather than believing in fairy tale. waiting to be saved by prince fucking annoyingly charming. fairy tales that were made by men so we can wait for them and adore them all the way.

the truth is, after marriage, the women will get fat because they have to produce the baby for the men. and the husband just lost interest. still want to walk around feeling like a single men, flirting with other women. the wife, on the other hand, keep talking about their husband. very adorable. i cook this for my hubby last night. my husband bought me kepok lekor last night. blah blah boring. what is your husband doing now?cheating on you.

even when whatever so called love is gone, (or lust perhaps) the couple still stay with each other, because of the kids, because that what you supposed to do. till death do us part. so women, in order to fulfill the vow,if your husband ever cheated on you, kill him. then said "i didnt mean to kill him. it's the vow. i will be damned if i dont kill him"

let them die, extinct. so we could live happily together. never to get hurt.

back to the topic. i guess that guy in that song is not that great. but the way kelly sing it. ohh he must be very attractively beautiful. score for kelly. guys still suck!

good bye. see you in another bitterness morning.

this is not about you..

i was running,
away from reality and life.
praying for the best.
though it is not what make myself happy.

i am pushing myself hard.
trying to lose a heart.
my legs cannot take it.
so i stopped.

so i looked at the west.
i saw something beautiful there.
and i think it was looking my way,
as i was not sure because of the distance.

i dont want to be there guessing,
so i changed my eye sight to north.
i saw something pretty.
but it never looked my way.

90 degree counter clock wise to west.
i saw something gorgeous.
it looked at me with a little bit of smile.
i looked down instead, embarrassed.

so i decided to rotate again.
to south.
i saw nothing.
so i decided to just stay that direction.

it doesnt mean a thing

i wish i could be there for you
through the black and blue
but i walked away instead
making the same mistake

i wish that you could be more convincing
like she is so inviting
just give me a reason to stay
instead you left me in the grey

you are the unexpected gift
you are my reason to live
i wish i could give
but you make me leave

then you came back when he left you
then she cheated on you
but legend only who we are
living underneath the scar

black horse and cherry tree

my name is *****.
and i will get you good.
i will love you forever.
after what you have done in your life.

you deserved me.

you were talking behind you closest friend's back.
you said how pathetic his life is.
how his girl left her.
how he has became undeniably unmarried weird after that.

then you talked bad about your partner.
how crazy she has became.
how possessive she is.
how you cheated on her.

then you broke a girl to get over your pathetic life.
you wanna try how hot and cool you could be.
you never think about the post disaster.
all you think is how good you look in the mirror.

and now your partner is leaving you.
your closest friend disappeared.
and she.. just moved on.
who is left for you.

me. i am. faithful.
i will be with you forever.
they said i'm a bitch.
but i am the faithful kind of bitch.
believe me. try me.
hey, i am already yours.
just look at yourself in the mirror.
all you can see is yourself.
all by yourself.
eventually.

you deserved me.

my name is karma.

death and all his friends

i have no friend.
no friend to talk to.
so death has became my best friend.
i talk to him about my problem, twisted, misery.
and he understands it.

lately, he has been very inviting.
offer me to follow him into the light.
he offers me with a sleeping pills. then two. then a few. and many more.
then he let me be sick when i dont take it.
i catch a cold.
now i need cough syrups. a bottle a day doesnt effect at all
he's been following me into the sleeps. dreams.
it 2 am and i'm still awake.
i dont need coffee anymore.

with the overdose of medication, my bones became brittle
i cannot stand straight. cannot think.
all thats left on my mind is his invitation
i wasnt prepared for this.
im not ready to commit with death.
but he loves me.
the only thing left in this world to love me.
all i can think is to get my happily ever after ending with him.

death, i will consider your offer.
my lover, my best friend, my forever.

suicidal love note

1.love is a fake thing people need to believe in order not to end up alone. face it. people are not meant to be together forever. both will die, differently. no two persons will die together at the same time. be in the grave together. if you go to hell, i will too. no such things. hereafter is the personal evaluation. but the person you think you love, could effect you so much.

2.when you lost your sanity, the stupid love songs you heard on the radio make sense. especially the song can't live without you. how come you tell people that you can't live without someone, when you are still alive. unless someone finds your death note. if you think you can't live, and you are still living, that is how you survived, and you can survive more with glory.

3.i took sleeping pills not because i can't sleep. but because i don't want to wake up in the middle of the night, thinking of WORK and the inappropriate thing in between of this messed up life i have. sleeping is the only time that i am unable to think. i can be stupid and ignorance. maybe i will never know that i am actually snore. and i don't want to remember what i dream. it's tiring, everytime.

4.and taking pain killers can make you happy. seriously. i have tried yesterday. after taking the pills i have started to laugh, after one empty week. and it can not only kill the physical pain, but also the emotional pain. i felt like a crazy mentally disturbed person when i asked the pharmacist to supply me with heavy pain killer and insomnia solution. he gave me 2 choices for insomnia. 1 is the painkiller drugs-medicine. 1 is the vitamin herbs whatsoever. i don't need vitamins. i need drugs to get over the pass!

i'm not missing you

i dont know why am i so angry lately. angry at my boss, at the client, at the consultant, at the architect, at the construction workers who kept on staring wtf, at my housemate. at my mother for being too caring about me (jgn bagitau mama!) and most of them without any reason.


and no i'm not grieving.
and no i'm not denying.

yes i am

being in a new place sucks.
starting over sucks.
missing ex-colleagues sucks. esp you

when ex-c called at my first day, to ask how is the job, sucks.
when ex-c texted me the third day at night, asking me, have you miss me, sucks.
when ex-c called me the fifth day, just now, to ask how to solve the internet connection at my ex-site office, which i know nothing, sucks. and i was in the worst mood at that time, sucks.

i have to cover one-month missing documentation, sucks.how can i make the inspection reports and the site diary for the whole last month, when i was not there.

and i am not missing you.
i log on to your social network, not because i missed you.

please stop taking care about me.
stop asking me.
let me go.
let me forget you.
let me be happy.
dont let me be angry anymore.

and dont be sad.dont said that you are stress out. dont said you dont want to stay late at office because i was not there.

dont let our friends said that you're sad since i've been gone

and dont tell me that you are sad for the life written for you. and stop complaining about your loved ones. your gifts. especially your soon-to-be gift.

don't waste my tears.

i just want you to be happy.
in this world and after life.
with or without me.

error of the heart

estudiame.blogspot.com is not available. so i will change my blog name to estudiamemucho.blogspot.com

will change in two days.


p/s i miss the way we sleep

goodbye forever

estudiame.blogspot.com

farah.im87@gmail.com

20 minutes too late

story 1:

you know how soft a woman can be. she had a fight with her boyfriend. her boyfriend treated her badly.she is so angry, she decided to have lunch alone. driving alone, she decided to stop at this one burger stall.

" burger two, please"

two?

yes at time like this, though she is very angry with her boy,
still she bought for him.

story 2:

i have experience thing like in story 1 also, and "he" is not my bf. he is a good friend of mine. but i bought food for him anyway. but the moment i reached at my office, he was not there. and there was another person. so i gave the other person the food.

at first he refused, he said
i'm going to have my lunch afterward with someone.

i said.
just eat lah

he
did you buy this for yourself? you don't have to give me because i'm here

i
i already ate

he
did you buy this for "annoying guy's name"?

i
no lah. i bought it for anyone i saw first.

(actually i didn't see him first, there's and old man, sitting at the front of office, but he's asleep. and i don't like him.haha)

then he opened the package.
he
this is the special one. where did you buy this?

(i didn't answer, just smile. i don't want him to know how far i went to buy this.)

he
luckily that old man is asleep.

eating happily

hahaha it's funny because at first he said he's going to have lunch with someone. but it feels so good to buy food for someone like that. usually grown up people don't appreciate if you buy something for them.

and the good friend of mine, came in 20minutes later. 20 minutes too late.
he missed the special food.

unlike you

i need to change the blog link.

first of all, i'm going to resign in less than 1 week, and i don't know why i can't delete the blog history from my company's laptop (padan muka guna laptop company utk peribadi)

and the most, it has the name torres in it! ha ha. now i know how does it feel if you think you love someone, marry him and change your last name for him. you think you have forever with him, but he cheated on you anyway. you changed your name everywhere. after you divorced, some ignorance people still call you by your ex-husband's name. in my case, some of my friends call me fernando / torres. and still, some of them call me that. and i have to explain - i don't love him anymore. we broke up (poyo, i know).


and i have to admit, without fernando, it feels empty without any obsession.
grey's anatomy is getting a little bit dull.
no new movie by kristen stewart.
no new album by kelly clarkson.
and
i went and obsessed on inappropriate things.

and still, i have no idea for the new blog link. i have to think until the end of this month.

any suggestion?

p/s- remember the catalyst, i will tell you about this 'catalyst' person in my next post. xoxo

that's when i'll stop loving you

as the february walks away,
the winter will be gone soon,
but the coldness,
has just begun to knock on the door.

as you decided to choose ordinary,
there's a reflection of unhappiness in your eyes.
that keeps creeping in your brain till 4 am,
and emptying your pocket, everytime.

as you were chasing me,
i was running away.
when i am done running.
you have stopped chasing.

as i wait here, grieving.
you have moved into acceptance.
leaving me with the fake winter,
starting all over again at the end of february.

PMS (pre missing-U syndrome)

you are such a disease.
and i think i'm going to die soon.
i have only 1 week left to live.
before i disappear completely....

seperti belangkas yang terkandas

have you ever heard the saying "macam belangkas"? belangkas means horseshoe crab. the saying means that a girl and a boy, who are always together, whenever, wherever. because in reality these belangkas really are found, in a couple form, at shallow sea area.

so few weeks ago, me and my colleagues went for the past time activity, catching belangkas, while waiting for the barge and whatever construction work. we cannot eat the belangkas' meat cause it doesnt have one. but we eat their eggs, but of course lah only the female has eggs. in order to get the eggs, we need to kill the belangkas.

so after catching the belangkas (both female and male). we released the male. and barbecued the female.

the point here, will the male belangkas survived? can he be independent? can't he live alone after being SO clingy to the female.

crap!

P.Y.T.

i remember she told me her story. the day when the truth reveals. she was walking with him by the river. he offered her his hand, and they were walking holding hands. and then she pulled away her hand. she asked "why do you wanna hold me?"

he said " cause you looked so lonely. and i was there. i was here. to make you feel less lonely"


he is so pathetic, he left his wife, waking up every two hours to feed the baby. he is so lonely because his wife kept asking for money. cause he had to work alone. he is so lonely for making this girl feel like the lonely one. he is so lonely for leaving his wife alone. he is so lonely for chasing this girl around. he is so lonely by telling the world that this girl is his girl. he is so lonely, when he left this girl back to loneliness to get back together with his wife.

this kind of men are idiots.


I have a patient too. Wanna know what happened to my patient? She had a 40 hr labor & the baby was stuck. So, she just had to push & push & push. Know what you say to a woman in that kind of pain? You say 1 more, 1 more & you’ll have a beautiful baby. I know it hurts but 1 more & you get a baby. That’s how you get a woman to tear her body apart. You make a promise & she hurts herself because she trusts you. Then when the baby comes out & it’s not…when it’s not right….you have to tell her you were mistaken. Makes me kinds of lose interests in what you deserve, Mr. Cabbage patch. - Lucy, Grey's Anatomy

writing you off, trying

the emotions explode.
the feelings mixed up.
there's no word to describe.
every sentence full of grammatical error.
every misspell.
wrong vocabulary.

without you.
i don't want to move forward.
i lost the poetry in me.
i stopped writing.
my world is back to ordinary.
my life is suck!

before we were waken up.
we seemed happy.
we laughed like we had forever.
we thought we had.

after we were waken up.
we were caught up in silence.
everytime.
we were one inch away, but we lost for words.
you tried to make a bitter statement.
trying to make me do things that i don't want to.
though you were drunk and i was sober.
the conversation was getting deeper.
you were no longer cute, and i was no longer in sweet silence.
and we ended up in the dark alley, dead silence.
no solution.

before the break.
i tried to show no emotion.
i tried to act perfectly fine.
and i guess you're okay.

after the break.
i live anyway.
you seemed to move on easy.

reunite.
we tried to show no emotion.
we won't look at each other.
won't talk to each other.

day by day passed.
you're so perfectly shiny for me to resist.

after a day together,
a day apart,
then a day together again.
we talked really a lot.
like there's no tomorrow.
you laugh a lot and it's so cute.
i make jokes which is very random.
you brought me to everywhere.
as if you wanna keep me.
but we know that you won't.
i wonder did you ever miss me.
cause i miss you so much.

maybe this is not forever but i'm enjoying the moments.
let me be the victim, cause i don't want to be the bitch.
in this game. i know i'm going to win, but i am the one who will get injured badly.
maybe i won't be able to play the next game.

p/s you're close enough to see that you're the other side of the world to me

you are just the wrong exception

Say Goodbye - Katharine McPhee

If I seem distant
Baby I am
Words are like scissors
In your hands
And there's no script to follow
So I just close my eyes

That way it won't hurt so much
When we say goodbye

I feel like just like an actress
Up on the stage
I can't believe
What I'm hearing myself say
And the porch light is my spotlight
So I play along with this lie

That way it won't hurt so much
When we say goodbye

Did you ever love me?
Does it even matter?
Did you even notice
The whole world shatter?

I just wanna hold you
and tell you that I'm sorry
But I just keep it all inside

That way it won't hurt so much
When we say goodbye

My heart feels like a circus
it's too much to take in
It's hard to lose a love
But you were my best friend
So  I walk this highwire
Alone tonight

That way it won't hurt so much
When we say goodbye
That way it won't hurt so much
When we say goodbye



p/s- saying goodbye might be the best for everyone else
except for me.
sorry if i hurt you intendedly and keeping the distance.
so i pretend that i hate you, and feeling numb.
that way it won't hurt so bad when we say goodbye.

dreaming my Real world away :)

if my life was made a movie, who would act as us.

i don't think jessica alba is my type of person (nak hot jugak)

and absolutely it will be krisbian, the awkwardly independent woman who is a social freak. (PLEASE NO ROB PAT!)

and my elder sister will be played by emma watson, the overly ambitious woman. men was attracted by her look, but no man is tough enough to fit her determination. bossy. hahahaha

my younger sister will be played by ellen page, smart but rude. looks tough outside, but of course cannot live without mama. HAHAHAHAHA

my brother will be played by that harry potter dude. HAHAHAHAHA. (cannot think of other characters that fit him). and don't want to describe his character also

and my parents will be played by.... patrick dempsey and ellen pompeo. what a legend. hahaha

and my gf, i want it to be dakota fanning. cute, adorable, but tough!!

sorry no hero here. but my life is not interesting at all, so only the 6 of us will be watching it. HAHAHAHAHA. (but people will be rushing to cinema to watch the actresses. lol)

never ever after

i don't play hard to get.
i am really hard to get.
no, you cannot get me at all.
so don't try to shake me ever.

what a start for 2011

Izzie: It's just you think, you think you know someone, know who they are. You share a house and make wishes on eyelashes with them and we don't know each other, none of us. We're just a bunch of interns who work together. There's nothing there.

so i made some kind of confession tonight. to someone so close to me. i think the closest person ever. my person. we share bed from day one. she knew me for 23 years. when i made the confession, she said that. "it's good to know you are weak and vulnerable"

i am really that independent and hardcore. but sometimes it hurts to be different.

last week i told her i feel like crying but i can't. try to watch grey's from season 1 to 2, still can't. until season 3, i stopped cause there was bright and shiny meredith.

but this week i cry all the time. usually when i'm alone. at work, at home, while driving, during lecture (trying hard to hold the tears in a room full of people). and mostly, during prayer. and God is my only hope right now.

if you only knew

you said there is something wrong with me.

you asked me,

what happened to you?

if you only knew..

YOU HAPPENED TO ME.

you came into my life.
pretending that we have hope.
we have something.
i am cold-blooded,
until you break the ice-cold blood,
and i could feel myself bleeding.

you said you want the best for me,
but when there is a better person,
you don't want to let me go.
you created the virtual world,
so we could stay in denial,
but you are happy in either world.

i tried to hate you,
avoid you,
you realized i've changed.
you asked me,
what happend to me.
YOU HAPPENED TO ME.

Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
-anna nalick

i don't want to pretend that we have hope, like you always pretend. let me live in my own coffin of hope.

DENNY: "Izzie... I'm gonna be alright. Alright. You don't have to worry."
IZZIE: "What about me? What about me when you go into the light?"
DENNY: "Izzie-"
IZZIE: "No! I get it, okay? I get it! You'll be okay, you'll be fine, but what about me?! Don't do it for yourself, do it for me! Please? Please, Denny! Please do this for me! Because if you die... Oh, God! You have to do this! You have to do this for me, or I'll never be able to forgive you!"
DENNY: "For dying?"
IZZIE: "No! For making me love you!
-grey's anatomy

the question is, why did you created the world of only two of us, when you don't want to be in it? now i am trying so freaking hard to get out of that world.

Contigo En La Distancia

it is hard for the scientist to invent one-way radio. but it is harder to upgrade it to two-way radio. people response to each other. and that is the real world. we hear, we listen, we talk, then they response, and the communication goes on.

after the invention, the process should be simple.
but time differences and the other factors, complicate us.

stormy weather.

sometimes, the other side is waiting for our call, but when the time comes for us to make a call, the line was engaged, no coverage and the worst part, we were brought to the voice mail.

and the different time zone. when you awake, i am asleep. vice versa.

Arizona: I am so deeply, deeply, deeply sorry for hurting you so much. I am so sorry because I'm so in love with you, and I will spend the rest of my life telling you that. I'll apologize to you every day if that's what you need, but, please, please don't walk away again. I came across the world to be with you. I love you. Please.

Callie: You had to fly across the world to get to me Arizona because you flew a whole world away without ever looking back. You just left. And this might be news to you — no, I think it kinda is — but you're not the only one in this relationship. There are two of us, and you came back today but I didn't.



p/s- Contigo en la distancia - with you in the distance.

straight up

"I'm out of my element here, I break bones for a living, I used to live in the basement, most days I wear last night's eyeliner to work, and I don't give a crap about what other people think of me. Because I am a happily independent and successful woman and I like it that way, only when you say stuff like this, it just makes things too hard. So please, don't chase me anymore, unless you're ready to catch me." - Callie Torres to George O'Malley, somewhere in Season 3

i like callie even before she was confused. even before she's gay. she is the i-dont-really-care chick. i don't care if i like the weaker kid or the intern or the younger guy cause i am strong either way. that's why i like her. then she turned gay.

but callie, seriously?mcsteamy again? straight up!

and her name got TORRES in it. it's like a bonus. spanish is hot. boys or girls!

what hurt the most

usually, girls with get obsessed with everything, especially with the boys, specifically, celebs. so they come out with all kind of phrase, new vocabs. bieber fever lah, robsessed lah. that's all i know. i'm not that big fan of hollywood or E-news gossip.

but i found out something about someone. have you ever heard of KRISBIAN. the is the name given to the girls who will go gay for kristen stewart only. she was adored mostly by girls and lesbians. she is that hot. i guess maybe most of them like her that way after watching the runaways. and most of girls hate/envy her after twilight for having robert,seriously? i envy robert more. but watch her other movies, speak, cake eater, adventureland, yellow handkerchief... despite her awkwardness and shy personality, she can act really good.

rumor has it that kristen is a lesbian. because she tried to keep her relationship with robert private, and because she didn't kiss robert during the best kiss award winning. i don't know but it doesn't make you a lesbian if you want to keep your love life private.

apparently, most of the girls i like, was accused being lesbian. kelly clarkson too. she is hot and comfortable being single, doesn't make her a lesbian.

and most people think i am a lesbian too.
maybe because i don't go crazy over boys.
maybe i adore girls too much but can't you see i adore the strong and independent one.
maybe because i appreciate women,
maybe because i am single,
maybe because i chat, smile and laugh a lot when i was with the girls. and i look so depress with the boys.
maybe because i try to dress up when i'm out with girlfriends rather than boyfriends.
maybe i keep rejecting dating invitation from boys (bajet hot kot)
maybe because i don't flirt around back with boys. (bajet hot lagi yer disini)
maybe because i flirt with girls!
maybe i have a lot of very close guy friends that i don't have any feeling, seriously.
maybe mostly because i think most boys are crap, and not worth to have a relationship with, and even worse not worth to be straight for.
define me, lesbian or not.
wait. now i'm also confuse. hahahaha