it doesnt mean a thing

i wish i could be there for you
through the black and blue
but i walked away instead
making the same mistake

i wish that you could be more convincing
like she is so inviting
just give me a reason to stay
instead you left me in the grey

you are the unexpected gift
you are my reason to live
i wish i could give
but you make me leave

then you came back when he left you
then she cheated on you
but legend only who we are
living underneath the scar

black horse and cherry tree

my name is *****.
and i will get you good.
i will love you forever.
after what you have done in your life.

you deserved me.

you were talking behind you closest friend's back.
you said how pathetic his life is.
how his girl left her.
how he has became undeniably unmarried weird after that.

then you talked bad about your partner.
how crazy she has became.
how possessive she is.
how you cheated on her.

then you broke a girl to get over your pathetic life.
you wanna try how hot and cool you could be.
you never think about the post disaster.
all you think is how good you look in the mirror.

and now your partner is leaving you.
your closest friend disappeared.
and she.. just moved on.
who is left for you.

me. i am. faithful.
i will be with you forever.
they said i'm a bitch.
but i am the faithful kind of bitch.
believe me. try me.
hey, i am already yours.
just look at yourself in the mirror.
all you can see is yourself.
all by yourself.
eventually.

you deserved me.

my name is karma.

death and all his friends

i have no friend.
no friend to talk to.
so death has became my best friend.
i talk to him about my problem, twisted, misery.
and he understands it.

lately, he has been very inviting.
offer me to follow him into the light.
he offers me with a sleeping pills. then two. then a few. and many more.
then he let me be sick when i dont take it.
i catch a cold.
now i need cough syrups. a bottle a day doesnt effect at all
he's been following me into the sleeps. dreams.
it 2 am and i'm still awake.
i dont need coffee anymore.

with the overdose of medication, my bones became brittle
i cannot stand straight. cannot think.
all thats left on my mind is his invitation
i wasnt prepared for this.
im not ready to commit with death.
but he loves me.
the only thing left in this world to love me.
all i can think is to get my happily ever after ending with him.

death, i will consider your offer.
my lover, my best friend, my forever.

suicidal love note

1.love is a fake thing people need to believe in order not to end up alone. face it. people are not meant to be together forever. both will die, differently. no two persons will die together at the same time. be in the grave together. if you go to hell, i will too. no such things. hereafter is the personal evaluation. but the person you think you love, could effect you so much.

2.when you lost your sanity, the stupid love songs you heard on the radio make sense. especially the song can't live without you. how come you tell people that you can't live without someone, when you are still alive. unless someone finds your death note. if you think you can't live, and you are still living, that is how you survived, and you can survive more with glory.

3.i took sleeping pills not because i can't sleep. but because i don't want to wake up in the middle of the night, thinking of WORK and the inappropriate thing in between of this messed up life i have. sleeping is the only time that i am unable to think. i can be stupid and ignorance. maybe i will never know that i am actually snore. and i don't want to remember what i dream. it's tiring, everytime.

4.and taking pain killers can make you happy. seriously. i have tried yesterday. after taking the pills i have started to laugh, after one empty week. and it can not only kill the physical pain, but also the emotional pain. i felt like a crazy mentally disturbed person when i asked the pharmacist to supply me with heavy pain killer and insomnia solution. he gave me 2 choices for insomnia. 1 is the painkiller drugs-medicine. 1 is the vitamin herbs whatsoever. i don't need vitamins. i need drugs to get over the pass!

i'm not missing you

i dont know why am i so angry lately. angry at my boss, at the client, at the consultant, at the architect, at the construction workers who kept on staring wtf, at my housemate. at my mother for being too caring about me (jgn bagitau mama!) and most of them without any reason.


and no i'm not grieving.
and no i'm not denying.

yes i am

being in a new place sucks.
starting over sucks.
missing ex-colleagues sucks. esp you

when ex-c called at my first day, to ask how is the job, sucks.
when ex-c texted me the third day at night, asking me, have you miss me, sucks.
when ex-c called me the fifth day, just now, to ask how to solve the internet connection at my ex-site office, which i know nothing, sucks. and i was in the worst mood at that time, sucks.

i have to cover one-month missing documentation, sucks.how can i make the inspection reports and the site diary for the whole last month, when i was not there.

and i am not missing you.
i log on to your social network, not because i missed you.

please stop taking care about me.
stop asking me.
let me go.
let me forget you.
let me be happy.
dont let me be angry anymore.

and dont be sad.dont said that you are stress out. dont said you dont want to stay late at office because i was not there.

dont let our friends said that you're sad since i've been gone

and dont tell me that you are sad for the life written for you. and stop complaining about your loved ones. your gifts. especially your soon-to-be gift.

don't waste my tears.

i just want you to be happy.
in this world and after life.
with or without me.

error of the heart

estudiame.blogspot.com is not available. so i will change my blog name to estudiamemucho.blogspot.com

will change in two days.


p/s i miss the way we sleep