tiring sad ending. over and over

love someone you make you love your fat the way it is.

very disturbing but sweet.

i have trust issues. me and my friend.

so when you said you like me i just burst out "no comment" comment.

when you said you miss me, i just comment on your typo.

when you said you and i could be a thing, i just said i dont want.

i dont trust you. seriously big issues. i want to trust but i cant. cause i know the ending will be so freaking the same. believe me it will and im so tired of this.

heavy heart. full of love

thank god i found you, sisters. more years to come. inshaAllah

Morning bitterness

i give advices to people. i give them hope. impossible is nothing?

the truth is i wanna tell them: fuck off.

these stupid things are never real. but as a good friend. or a supportive friend. or a fake friend, i wont tell them the truth.

just hate it. this is the only place i could spread my bitterness.

so i dont give a fuck

dont worry still crappy

i used to think being hopeful is just waste of time

and time proof me right. i rarely hopeful, but it turns out all of them are crappy.

people still dont see the beauty in crap

a hard day's night

i dont do jealous. i am angry all the time

without you im born again

like i said, loved it. did i just said that,

did you even remember? did you even care.

i am.. i just cant tell. denying and craving in the same time and things get congested.

did i?

losing you.

Sometimes sickness leads to preparation for death. every sickness is a reminder.

and i know that im going to loose something today. im sad but that's life. youre going to loose everything.

when you are in denial, you dont loose anything from society. but youre going to loose yourself, which is everything.

when you met someone, remind yourself that this is just temporary. the ending will always be the same. it is just another version of your first relationship. boring. repetitive. but thats how its going to start and end. everything in between depends on you.

i know life sucks when you let someone suck it out of you. dont let someone just enter your life to ruin it. to make decision for you. love yourself more, for the sake of god. dont get too involved with human. dont wait for someone in order for you to move forward. move yourself.

i think im about to loose myself in a few seconds.

Love,
Death..

Voulez Vous

perasaan bertepuk sebelah tangan adalah sgt indah. especially when you have no expectation. the way im in love with fabregas.

perasaan itu beku dan membara
keindahan yg membina
hidup di alam mimpi
tidur di dalam realiti

dan kemudian kita mati. dead. just so dead.

when there is no beginning, there wont be any tragical ending. so let it be

Voulez Vous (Do you want - in French)

lay all your love on me.

if everyone had their own jodoh, why somepeople died without even taste themarriage life.

then a very fine lady make a statement.. "maybe jodoh saya dah mati"
it means, "the one" died. already dead.
to think of that, i could imagine my jodoh is xabi alonso's identical twin who died in her mother's womb. twisted enough? lets meet in heaven dear. i will be a very good girl to meet you there.

optimist!! :)

heartbroken

Always have alway will

Funny people are the most depressed

these pack of people. now i am really getting so emotional involved with them.
they are like my anotomy that i was once giving up on them. and suddenly we are just getting too clingy. crazy mucho. and suddenly i am telling all of them about my ups and my downs, and so they are.

sometimes, i felt like my heart is on display, but noone could reach there, because it is surrounded by fences.

i used to think and i am the darkest and the most heartless. and perhaps broken. on the other side of the world i found someone else.

and most of the people with heartbroken histories, they were so happy right now, though they were still alone.

sometimes we chose the unhappiness. though we see the unhappiness grew up around us. but we want to give a try and make a different. cause everyone did so.

“Nature is a haunted house--but Art--is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson

more broken than...

after 16 days. + after 8 days. and some sickness and hospitalization in between.

Alhamdulillah. God, through sickness and health. Please be with me. Always. God. It's a good reminder.

the every man

strange. funny. surprise. nervous. crazy. unexpected. disappoinment.

what if this is the end. this has to be the end. this life is not forever. but we have been too involved with it, we forgot our life purpose. the main.

and when is the last time.. when could this last long for..

the only exception

today is the fourth day of hari raya and im already at the office alone. so i have internet connection with no supervision. this is great.

now those ideas just gone....

fame

the family addition. prediction is scary. suddenly i became ordinary. is this healthy enough?

Lesson learnt

things could change really fast. in a beat of the heart. as fast as the grey hair could grow.
a house i thought was a home turns into something strange to live in.
a family once i used to tell everything became so isolate
a friend i used to hate becomes someone i miss, just because i know how she really loved me that much
a woman i really hated (and everyone did too) was walking with me in the bazaar ramadhan just now n turns into someone sweet. jalan ramai2.ofis blakang bazaar je.
the friends without getting too involved once i thought i never had becomes a friend who helps me
someone i think i dont like at my first sight because her bubbly personality becomes a sister i am missing, and turns out to have a sad background story
and i cant believe i was kind of yelling of the enthusiasm  in the meeting because i am really into and enjoying the meeting. and everyone did too. like yelling and joking at the same time. and some of them really young people (older than me but!) but really knowledgeable and talented.
and a friend who always said i was her best friend, turns out to drag about my witchiness to her fiance which i thought was my best friend (well i know she was talking behind my back because her fiance said to me.what a fiance)

i was so depressed before all the sad things happen to me because i was out of gratitude. but then i realize how lucky i am (though not the luckiest) that god still save me from the worst thing in life. i learned to be happy over the littlest thing in life, its ok thats just life. it doesnt last forever.

amame

i want the picture, or image, to remain in my brain
in every loss and gain
but it just went away
seeking for replacement
then it repeats itself
with the same mistake
as if we had the choices to make

Dark side

used to be crazy over her. before kristen stewart. gone to her concert.

and suddenly, i met someone who looks like her. and that smiling face. constantly.
and suddenly....

will you love me? even with my dark side.

please remind me who i really am

light up light up

best-friend. but not forever.
you asked me what am i doing over the weekend. and you showed your pictures.
and i am, on the other hand, too proud to ask about you, and too scared to tell everything about me.
sometimes, i end up talking to the ceilings and walls.

and i found this temporary friendship kind of..i dont know, someone is just funny the way it is. the way that some eyes could see.

lets just pretend that this is forever.

as if we had forever.

if tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love. 

Just what you’re thinking of. 

If tomorrow never comes.

just in case

its funny how i was so crazy about you.
its funny how i used to hate you.
its funny how i used to dream so big.
and its crazy how i used to stop dreaming. and be numb
out of the blue. just because of you.
its crazy how my old friend still thinking i am still with you
and my new friend is teasing about me and you
though i publicly show off my new one.
how funny that i pretend to be obsessed about my new one.
its funny how i could hate you in a split second.
how funny that i think that i already moved on.
its funny how much i hate you and how far i moved on, but i still kept your pictures and belongings.

just in case you show up...

emotional enough

Lexie Grey: 
I love you. I am so in love with you, and you’re in me: it’s like you’re a disease, and it’s like I’m infected by Mark Sloan and I can’t think about anything or anybody. And I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe, I can’t eat… and I love you. I love you all the time. It’s every minute of every day. I love you.

a few days later...(or weeks)

Lexie: Mark, I'm dying. I am. Tell Meredith that I love her and that she was a good sister and please tell my dad ...
Mark: You're not dying. You're going to be fine.
Lexie: Hold my hand.
Mark: I'm not holding your hand because you're not dying.
Lexie: Hold my hand.
Mark: No, you're not dying. Do you hear me? You don't die today!

Mark tries again to move the plane debris and when he can't he lies on the ground and holds Lexie's hand 'til the end.

Mark: I love you.
Lexie: You don't have to say it just because ...
Mark: No, I love you. I've always been in love with you. I will always be in love with you. I love you which is why you have to stay alive. We're going to get married and you're going to be an amazing surgeon and we're going to have two or three kids.

Lexie begins to gasp for air.

Lexie: So, Sofia can have siblings?
Mark: Yeah, a sister and two brothers.
Lexie: That's nice.
Mark: We're going to have the best life Lex, you and me. We're going to be so happy so you can't die, ok? You can't die because we're supposed to end up together. We're meant to be.
Lexie: Meant to be...

And with that final sentiment, Lexie dies.

RIP Dr. Lexie Grey. May 10, 2007- May 17, 2012.
- taking from after ellen

RUN

Recently, I feel like living in a prison, full of stressful people living without gratitude. And one of them is me. So I just wanna have a nice friend. And my housemate is being an asshole everytime she had a fight with his boyfriend. Which is inappropriate as she always claims me as her best friend.

I just want to run away from this prison of people. So  I called my friend in kuantan and she is working during the weekend. Where else could I go. So last night I was excitedly watching football and spain won 4 0. Im happy for torres though.  Since him, i never get obsessed with anyone else, he is my only obsession. And seeing him like that I guess it is really over. I moved on. Im happy for him without any other crush but it might be cesc fabregas that my eyes has caught. (hehehehe)

Can I write about other thing first. Ok. U don’t have other choice but to read. While I was watching football last night, I was wanting to see the goalkeeper, my first Spanish crush (blushing) but I don’t want to. Seeing him means trouble. So it is kind of the love hate relationship. Its like you’re liking someone in your team/workplace who is not a good thing if you are seeing him. Like a boss who like to fire people. Ok. Continue.

So I slept after subuh, planning to sleep a long good sleep until forever. I was waken up by a phone call by my housemate’s bf who used to be my bestfriend, which she didn’t know or else she will kill me with her possessive blade. Its 10am. He asked me to take care of her and buy breakfast lunch etc etc. so I planned to cook for her. I texted her. Im going to blah blah blah, then she just  went out to buy herself breakfast.

So I was crying and emoly texted her bf, and her bf didn’t replied. I have nowhere to go and all I want is to meet my family (8hours drive) or my ex roomie (6hours drive). Then I called my bro, (with crying voice) and I asked him what is he doing Im bored. He asked me to come over (2 hours drive to the north) I said do u have any other girl friends I can sleep over. He suggested his married friend and I don’t want, I asked him to search for homestay. And he immediately did. And meeting my demands. I know its hard for him. So tonight we are going another 2 hours north. Shopping time.

(No internet, im writing this first in words)

Xoxo

p/s next time I should bring my guitar here.

24 hours later. I reached this stressful town. But let me tell you what happen for the last 24 hours. Around 9pm we shoot to the north with two of my bro’s friends.new friends but nice. And we reached there at 11pm++. Going around for 2 hours, nothing interests me. So we head back and reach my homestay at 4am. I slept until 9am, then I just lazing around my gadgets. Watching himym,playing games.. at 11++ I went for branch with my bro, then I asked him to look around his town, n I found all the things I wanted to buy!, after zohor I shoot back to this stressful town. I stopped at a few beaches to take some photograph and freeing the mind..

The beauty of being alone is you can stop whenever and wherever you want. You have the freedom. What I get is, you don’t let other people stop you from what you what to do. My asshole friend (as stated above) always promise me to go everywhere but everytime she will cancel it at the very last minute. So what the fuck I left her alone. And that selfish bitch always claims that she care for me but never show it. So what the fuck go to hell alone. With your deserved boyfriend.

Im happy. Thanks bro. thanks for being there for me. Or let me run to you.

death and all his friends

i once told myself. if you can make it here,you can make it anywhere. and here has turned into there.still i cannot make it anywhere.everywhere is tough.and death is not a solution

good cholesterol

a bad memory can turns into a good one. a few years later, you will laugh over it.

but a real bad one, you just denied it even happened to your life.

words.

this razor is rarely used. i thought it was already corroded. it has been kept for so long.
well it is just a razor. wont kill. i used once. and it killed babe, congrats.

mad world

this world full of arrogant people
though i think i took a step forward, i was left with heavy footsteps
the footsteps of pain
then i realize my car was drove in front of your house
the courage to knock on your door is somehow killing my spirit away
and i hope to never see your face again
and you came visit in my dreams
have you ever seen the track of my wheel all the way to your home
and these arrogant people keep leaving me behind as i ignore you
and you ignore me
and when i turned back, you will never be there.
for me.for him.for them

and tomorrow will be never enough as you forget to turn everything on
this heavy cloud seems to hold it too long. and whenever we wait
i hope so
the pain she gets from me, and the pain everyone thinks so
and we jumped from one note to one note
finding the right music. all we found is hello
how low. i dont know

i hate the fact that youre around giving me some kind of nerve
i even hate myself when youre gone
i hate how close and how faraway we could be in a same time
i wish i could slap away your stupid scent

my every woman

whenever my boss' wife cannot handle her children, she will call my boss. (she's a housewife) and it makes me realize, how my mom never do that. she solves her own problems with us when we were younger. she's a working mom, but still manage to cook good food for us. the comfort of home. how i miss it. especially when a real woman is in it. leading everything.

i dont know how could i ever go on with this life without you.

vampire sucks episode 2

2.1
i found out the vampire ic number.from the pass around attendance list.. 832201-**-****
he must have forgotten his constantly changed ic number as he has lived for a thousand year



2.2
lately my close friends are gosipping about me and my boss because the extra attention he gave, well i dont think so because he's a nice boss. but this vamp always ask me about where is my boss eventhough i was on training that day with the vamps and werewolves.when my boss called me, he asked "boss isnt it" with big wide sarcastic full meaning smile.as if he knew.as if he read me n my friends' mind.

and his skin is so pale. it must have felt so icy cold

remember

pero me acuerco de ti
- but i remember you

some people are afraid to admit that 5letters-word.
just incase the environment would hear it and spread thr rumors.
just incase it is not true and the dark ground is missing the companionship

takkan mungkin

kisah hati lagi ke
x jemu lagi ke
bila nk kisah otak

the road rolling below

cause something here in the way that we constantly moving, reminds me of home

....anna nalick catalyst

vampire sucks

i have this thing messing up with my mind, i think my colleague is a vampire

1.he looks like edward cullen. ok wait, edward is not that attractive
2.he is very pale.VERY
3.he doesnt have his lunch during lunchhour
4.he is 30++ but he looks younger. maybe because he doesnt have big belly. but if look closely, oh ok shouldnt been describing someone's belly
5.i think he is trying to read my mind, and sometimes he is having all of the sudden smile at a very inappropriate time
6. his house is very close to mine now i know where he lives. he might be coming to my house tonight. and staring at me while i sleep. oh demmit now i keep on glancing at my window. luckily it is nako kind of window.now i am imagining him stuck in between that window.cool

do u think im crazy

and lately im an insomniac

im still here

some people dont get the reward from their hardwork. so reward yourself. spend the money that u have work ur whole life. for people on diet, u can reward urself with food.

what did u get from loneliness?Time to think about urself instead.sometimes it take some hard time to loose the sanity and stand back. a little bit of craziness to still be stupid.

if we dont get any wiser, just assume that we get livelier.to experience life in every aspect.but still keeps everything in our hand.

this is me being shockingly inspiring cause i want to hide my depression away!

a cup of coffe and overdose

i think i am awesome. what do u think?
there must be a huge mistake of wrongness going on in my brain
lets sober up and have some coffee

i who have nothing

now im getting confused
lonesome and boredom always got mixed up with desperation and depression
it will pass.
when the expired date was reached.
sooner baby

this is it

i just wanna hide under my table,
away from the world and the people
and i met the disappointment for sure, everywhere.
unstoppable here and there
and the frustration is just the spice of life
frustration are my wife
we are pathetically married
everywhere u can see her besides me
but with her, it makes my day
it breaks my way
it ruins hopes and dreams
it becomes meaner
as i looked into her eyes, deeper.
forever

Goodbye to You - Michelle Branch

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time


Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

7-heaven-hours

even with your tanned skin....

if only you were lone

i really miss our friendship
i could shed a tear remembering that
but i have to keep the distance, so noone will ever get hurt
i miss on how we took care of each other

when everyone starts talking, i listen
you told me i shouldn't be listening to other
but i dont wanna make the same mistake all over again

in this situation, adele is right. i set fire to the rain and make believe it myself
i was heart-broken, still. im still longing
for a pessimist, im pretty optimist about our friendship
i shouldnt
so saying goodbye is the way

have you seen me lately

saya rasa dah lama x mimpi hantu tu,a few days,perhaps weeks. dont remember, over it already
tapi sejak kebelakangan ini hantu tu asyik sms with different unknown numbers. so last night hantu ni sms with luahan inappropriate perasaan. kebetulan boss dia ada disitu. dan bos dia balas.saya tahu dia marah

lalu malam tadi saya mimpi muka dia marah sangat. bila bangun seram sejuk lalu tarik selimut.

apalah...i love lonely sundays.sleep and  housekeeping. awesome!

eight days a week is not enough to show you

George to Izzie: You know, whenever anyone says something really funny and I laugh I always look around to see if you think it's funny too. Even when you are not there, I look around.

you know, 7days a week is never enough
when a day is missing, that was too much
a day without your voice is so grey
to receive your call on a missing day is white

i wish the night will never end
as i wanted to share everything to you
i want to tell you everything
and i want you to do so
the same whole lot thing
i wish the sun will never rise for us to be departed
its so funny how you will remember me when you were at the place that only we knew
and how i will look at you whenever i hear something funny
just to see you laughed
and you will be there waiting for me to look at you
with a wide smile
cliche wide smile that could light up this whole town

im not writing a love letter
im writing this to a lot of people
who is worth of love
im writing the past away
im not being greedy
just hoping for a better future
which is not including either you or me
cause we'll start with goodbye. again

the faking blood cell

you are such a bitch
i hate your hair and your smile and everything about you
you look like a she-wolf,not a woman, not even close to a man
i hate when you're trying to start a conversation with me
to proof that i am so into you
i hate you the faker
always will always have
i hate you keep coming back into me
and how you ruined my reputation
i hate you fake caring attitude
and i mean it
i really hate you like a hate song
i hate your original name, even your fake name
i hate your clothes and their bright colours.
i hate how i have to avoid you without a reason
i hate to have heart and hope, and having you in between of them
thanks

Universe and U

i will be strong, because you said so

i will be brave
i will be good

you said i have no reason to fear because you are there with me
even when you're not with me, i am not suppose to be afraid

to never let the spirit die, is what u said

repetitively

be strong be strong be strong. spiritually

where i lost it

i know these are just words. but it feels real

i'm glad those are from you

save me from myself

the night before, i have this dream
my sister said, she cant go travel around the world. because she's married with kids.

but she knew that im going to. im not going to have normal family. but i will have her dreams. travel all over the world. but im not alone (is it because i'm a liverpool fan or because my friends are going to join the trip?)
-bajet robin jap-

and last night, bad dream

about those heroic character, i dont mind if i dont end up with the hero. as long as i have the chance to meet him even once. and i already found him. i am thankful for that.

i will let him go, to find a perfect woman for himself. as i am not worth the pain. but i will cherish every limited moment on how you save me

she, who i adore

i want to write about her.
but i wonder if she still reads my blog.
if still, malu lahhh

i'm sadder but i'm wiser too

As you're getting older,
life is less fun
true friends are getting lesser
burden and responsible are getting bigger
money is getting more important
people are getting meaner
life is getting harder
and you're getting sadder

you're getting more depress
you're getting more desperate

then, when the time comes
you will stop
stop whining, complaining, exaggerating
you will grow up
and know what is wrong or not
you will stop thinking bad about people, stop being judgemental
and accept people the way they are
 and you will move into acceptance

but at that very twisted moment,
people will take advantage of you
but you know,
all the sadness in the world,
makes you a wiser man

perfectly dead

you're so perfect.

i could not live with that fact.

and i crave for you so bad.

cause i'm dead.

do you remember, whatsername

I tweet as I quit.
I weep as thing goes deep.
We'll meet without greet.
As you hit,I know this is all just another shit!

your image keeps replaying in my brain
and causing severe pain
i am not here in advance of game
the name is getting kind of lame

if only you could see me here
if only i could cheer
i'll wait like a stone
i'll try not to mourn

the breakage, the given up, the rejection, the depression, the desperation,the addiction

the oh so sad tragedy

how we were born and raised in the same town
went to the same shops
know the same people
yet we havent met, except in the dark pitch forest where we were not allowed to speak

how, when i met you i hate all the opportunity in the world
assuming you were just another asshole
how i regret being cold
how you are out of my league

thinking on how i will sacrifice everything for someone like you
to wish every of your pain would heal
every silence would break
just to stay in your blood, vessel, pump .what ever it is called

i longed to be in there from the day i was born
on how i have grown and gave up the idea
how could you never notice
been blinded and been warned

goodbye is left with hello, again.